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Thinking traps

1/17/2023

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Thinking traps are an excellent way of catching ourselves from falling into negative spirals or depressive episodes. It’s hard not to fall into these traps sometimes, especially because our mind becomes primed to think this way when distressed as a form of coping. We must be careful not to pathologize ourselves or others when thinking traps occur. Being able to recognize thinking traps as they happen can be useful to help us unhook, step back and observe, and channel our energy into effective living.
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Here are some classic types of thinking traps with their definitions, examples, and antidotes. 

Dichotomous Thinking
  • All-or-nothing or black-or-white thinking. Typically uses language of “always” or “never” and can result in believing you have no control over your problems.
  • For example, Because I got fired from my job, I’ll never amount to anything.
  • No one is 100% one thing all of the time, without fail or exception. It can be tempting to demoralize ourselves in difficult situations because it helps makes sense of the world, albeit a poor one. Instead, think of things on a spectrum, in percentages, and acknowledge the impact that outside contributors play. 

​Overgeneralization
  • A single event becomes the expected pattern of the future.
  • For example, After a bad breakup, you say, “I’ll never find someone who loves me.”
  • Overgeneralizing has a very well-intended purpose, though it is experienced quite negatively. That is, it’s a strategy to validate your suffering. If, instead, you reply to hardships with, “Don’t worry about it. It’ll all work out,” you can only say that so many times before you seriously wonder if you’re the problem. A way to antidote overgeneralization is focus on the specifics of the situation. What feelings and behaviours are significant here-and-now?

Selective Abstraction
  • Attending to certain details while ignoring the larger context.
  • For example, You had an amazing weekend but near the end, you slipped and used pornography when it went against your recovery plan. This person may hyperfixate on the shame surrounding acting out and downplay or ignore the positive experiences they had on the weekend, as if it counted for nothing.
  • In Narrative Therapy, we emphasize these passed over positive moments by naming them unique outcomes or sparkling moments. “As unique outcomes are identified, persons can be encouraged to engage in performances of new meaning, “White & Epston, 1990. Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends). As you expand your attention to the broader context, what does this reveal to you about yourself and your relationships? Could this be the start of some new unique possibilities?

Minimization
  • Downplaying significant events or positive qualities.
  • For example, When someone compliments you, you say, “It isn’t that good.” May also appear as self-deprecating humour or sarcastic nonchalance.
  • Try saying “Thank you” to a compliment or congratulate yourself after doing something difficult. Self-compassion is more than corny self-affirmations, it’s allowing yourself to be yourself. So, does minimization help you be more or less of the authentic you?

Arbitrary Inference
  • Jumping to conclusions despite having little or no evidence to support it.
  • For example, Because my partner is looking at pornography, that must mean they don’t find me attractive. They’re likely also sleeping around and should be considered dangerous.
  • There are two ways this trap can show up: mind-reading and fortune-telling. If you find yourself assuming things about another person, either ask or let it go. If you find yourself predicting the failure of future events, come back to the present moment. Our only power to influence outcomes are in the here-and-now.

Emotional Reasoning
  • Mistaking our emotions as evidence of the truth.
  • For example, I feel bad, therefore I am bad. 
  • Don’t prioritize feelings over facts. It can be tempting because emotions can so strongly influence us sometimes. And our brains are designed for this, we need emotions. But learn how to separate emotions from self-statements or measures of reality. “I feel…” statements can be expanded into “I’m having the feeling of…” or  “This is Anxiety or Sadness”. If you’re having difficulty determining facts from feelings, consider your biases, try experimenting by assuming the opposite was true and exploring how that could be a possibility.

Unrealistic Expectations
  • Using “What if” and “should” as demands or protestations against reality or persons.
  • For example, “What if I make a mistake as a parent and permanently ruin my child?” or thinking that a marriage/partnership should never go to bed angry.
  • An article that does a great job at comparing reasonable vs unhealthy expectations can be found here. Research in relationships show that higher expectations actually lead to better outcomes. But there’s a key difference, they are focused on health and wellness, and about how you wanted to be treated, not on how others should act.

Magnification
  • Exaggerating things out of proportion. Making a mountain out of a molehill.
  • For example, a mistake made is seen as a much bigger thing than it actually is.
  • Imagine you have a paper cut. It hurts, but doesn’t require a trip to the ER. As compared to a cut deep enough to be life threatening, it would be extremely concerning to think a bandaid is sufficient enough. It may seem elementary, but ask yourself, “Is this a big problem or a small problem?” Kids making a mess: small problem. Kids getting bullied: big problem. Then check your reactions that they are in proportion to the severity of the event.

Catastrophizing
  • Generating fear for the sake of it. Often to life/death extremes.
  • For example, Because my teenager stormed out of the house, they’re going to become a drug addict and die naked in the gutter, in the rain.
  • It is so easy to get hooked by this type of thought because there is an endless amount of scary possibilities in life. But catastrophizing is an out-of-control response. Be pragmatic about the situation, focus on what needs to happen to reign in the chaos of the situation. It may be as simple as taking a break or can require the expertise of outside help.

Personalization
  • Seeing yourself as the sole cause of the problem.
  • For example, Bad things keep happening because there’s something seriously defective with me.
  • There’s a difference between influence and causation. Because you’re likely not personalizing out of nowhere, such as having said something regrettable in an argument and now feeling bad for it. But we are only responsible for our own actions, not others. If you did something problematic, then address it, apologize. But don’t blame yourself for the injustices of the world. Externalize the problem: The problem is the problem, not you.

Defensiveness
  • Protecting yourself from real or perceived threats (internal or external). It becomes a thinking trap when we engage in defensiveness by being righteously indignant (taking the moral high ground) or playing the innocent victim.
  • For example, I don’t know why my wife is so angry all the time. I mean I work, provided a home, and don’t cheat.
  • There’s a few ways to antidote defensives. One, take responsibility. Consider how your actions would play out if seen in a different setting. Two, consider the truth of what another person is saying. 

Isolation
  • Disconnecting from supports or trying to manage problems alone.
  • For example, I should be able to over depression on my own, without therapy or medication. It’s called willpower.
  • It is such a common occurrence where it’s easier to give help than to receive it. Being helped is often associated with weakness, inability, or can be felt as patronizing, even emasculating. We need social supports to thrive. Vulnerability to receive help can be the key to self-empowerment. However, it’s possible that isolation comes because the people around you are toxic or unhelpful. If that’s the case, consider finding other supports. Use mindful trust as you navigate new sources.

Confirmation Bias
  • Trying to prove your situation right rather than exploring information that challenges your beliefs.
  • For example, the belief If I go out with friends, then I’ll have a panic attack is reinforced by anxiety-confirming information resulting in you avoiding people and places. 
  • If you were wrong, would you want to know? If the answer to this question is “No” then you’re likely victim to confirmation bias. If your answer is “yes,” how would you go about discovering that answer. In research, this is called testing the null hypothesis. Instead of attempting to confirm a theory, you try to prove it wrong (thus reducing confirmation bias). So take a chance, try something different when it comes to managing anxiety or other difficult emotions. The results might surprise you.

Fallacy of Change
  • Believing your well-being is conditional on others changing.
  • For example, If fast food wasn’t so cheap and accessible, then I wouldn’t have an eating/money problem.
  • Even if this thinking trap were true, wouldn’t it be disappointing to know your wellness was entirely dependent? Don’t wait for partners to have ideal responses, society to pave the way forward for you, or wait until motivation strikes you. Take a small step today toward the kind of person you want to be. Advocate for institutions to change, but do not wait to be happy until then.
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Magical Thinking
  • The belief that thinking about something will cause it to occur.
  • For example, thinking bad thoughts about a loved one will cause something bad to happen to them.
  • Exposure with response prevention is one strategy to help retrain the mind and develop insight. Just because you had a thought, doesn’t mean it will come true or be able to control you. Otherwise, we’d all be millionaires.

Irreversibility
  • Not recognizing that actions can be reversed.
  • For example, Because I had a fight with my partner, it’s pointless to say “Sorry.” You can’t take back the hurtful words.
  • Being able to repair injuries is one of the great aspects of being alive. Material objects can be mended, emotional injuries can be processed, and in some cases, we can actually start over and try again. Psychological flexibility is key to navigating a rich, full, and meaningful life. Things may not be repaired to the exact form they were before, but that’s not always a bad thing.

Personal Fable
  • The belief that you are unique and not subject to the natural laws that govern others.
  • For example, I don’t need to use protection during sex, I won’t get her pregnant. I don’t need to drive slower on winter roads, that’s for people who don’t know what they’re doing.
  • The personal fable can make us feel invincible, but it is a false security. A naiveté. Education may be needed around a certain topic or maturity-building exposure may need to be experienced.

​Imaginary Audience
  • The belief that you are the centre of attention.
  • For example, When I blush or get teary-eyed, everyone notices and must think I’m a complete embarrassment.
  • People are not paying as much as might think or hope. And if they are, that’s more a concern about them than it is about you. Practice grounding to hold you through difficult moments. Develop a supportive network where you can both relax and be challenged. And let go. You’ve likely held enough already. 
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The seven different levels of anger...and what to do with them

3/31/2022

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It’s normal to get angry, but depending on how we use that anger, we can go from being frustrated to something more intense (e.g., rage). Knowing what the different types of anger are and what to do with them can help during your difficult moments when life keeps adding on those little—or big—stressors.

  1. Frustration - You have a goal and it is being blocked. May take the form of venting.
    Antidote: Focus on the “what” of your frustration. It’s okay to feel this way and while venting has a life-span and we don’t want to overwhelm other people, your story is important. For example, set aside a time to talk to a trusted person and have a stress-reducing conversation.
  2. Defensiveness - May come from a place of feeling hurt or betrayed and may take the form of righteous indignation or being an innocent victim.
    Antidote: Consider the truth of the situation. Understand the situation may be bigger than your anger, or maybe this feeling has come from the violation of a boundary and you’d be better to focus on establishing one. For example, ask yourself what your partner is truly trying to communicate, what are they feeling? Or ask yourself, what does this anger say I need to change in my life?
  3. Difficult Anger - This is the argumentative person where no amount of solutions offered will regulate the emotion, also known as the help-rejecting complainer. You may come across as abrasive or obstinate.
    Antidote: Avoid power struggles (it just is going to feed the anger) and practice the skill of empathy. For example, don’t ask for advice or support but notice the impact your anger has on others and look for feelings instead. 
  4. Hostility - A maladaptive expression of anger as a verbal attack that is focused on control and takes the form of bullying, cruelly belittling or humiliating another person.
    Antidote: Understand hostility to be a serious violation of another person. Instead of focusing on controlling another person, focus on controlling your own behaviours and words. For example, have a credo (a belief that guides your actions) such as, “I will not say X to another person”.
  5. Rage - Here, anger is not the problem, it’s that you’ve tried and failed to control the emotion.
    Antidote: Find self-regulating and self-soothing activities to bring your anger back down to a manageable level. For example, you may need to go for a walk, take a 20 minute break from the conversation, or repeat a grounding phrase in your mind such as, “It’s going to be okay.”
  6. Threats - Where hostility was a psychological attempt at control, threats are physical attempts.
    Antidote: Understand that while a threat is not a good behaviour to meet your needs, it does not mean you have committed the action. There is still time to stop and resolve the situation. Look at the workability of threats, for example, do they help you achieve your goals in long-term meaningful ways?
  7. Violence - There are different types of violence that may be situational, accidental, planned, or some other form of abuse. Regardless, there is no acceptance for this type of behaviour, no matter how small or infrequent. It does not mean you are a bad, evil person. But the behaviour must be addressed.
    Antidote: Most will feel guilty after hurting another person and violating their own morals. This is the most important time to take action. Call the police, seek professional help, or set up consequences if this were to happen again. Saying sorry is a necessary but not sufficient action to restitution. And hoping it will never happen again is not a plan for relapse prevention. This is serious and must be taken so.


Source: Busting Common Myths About Anger by Mental Health Academy (2021)
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Gaslighting

3/29/2021

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Go ahead, get trampled by a rhino.
Go ahead, get mugged and left for dead.
Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know?
I only bathed and changed and nursed you.
Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it.
Let me die alone here, be my guest.
When it's too late, you'll see, just wait,
Mother knows best!
—Mother Gothel, Tangled (2010)
Right now, my two oldest girls are obsessed with the movie Tangled. Everyday Alexa is booming the soundtrack on repeat.
Every. 
Single.
Day.
    But as I’ve listened repeatedly, I noticed more and more the psychological impact that Mother Gothel has. She isn’t the villain because she kidnapped a baby—yes, that’s bad. But what makes her a villain is how she manipulates and controls Rapunzel, most noticeably through: Gaslighting.
    Gaslighting is the act of crazy-making. It’s a way of controlling another person by making them question themselves, their emotions, and their reality. It’s calling a person selfish when they’re just trying to take care of themselves or set a healthy boundary. 
    It’s throwing back a person’s emotions—instead of listening/validating—and saying, “Your emotions aren’t my problem. That’s your fault.” Or claiming, “I never said that!” when they clearly did.
    It’s making a person doubt their ability to succeed at a task by making you feel that if you were to ever leave, you would leave “safety” and doom yourself to a miserable life of failure, loneliness, and pain. What was that thing they convinced you was so bad to do? Oh, just take a job. No, not something major like, “Don’t join a cult! Are you crazy?” But, “Don’t leave me because I need to be in control, not you.”
    If you listen to Mother Gothel’s song Mother Knows Best you’ll hear many examples of gaslighting. She makes Rapunzel doubt herself by pointing out made up character defects such as: not being able to survive on her own, sloppy and clumsy, “Plus, I believe, getting kind of chubby.” And if injury weren’t enough, she adds, “I’m just saying because I love you.” This is what makes the victim feel so crazy. It’s the combination of harm with something that should feel good: Love. 
    Hopefully you see now why victims of gaslighting, narcissists, and abuse of all kinds have such a hard time opening up to themselves and others. 
    What’s more is how at the beginning of the film, Rapunzel is seen doing what seems like an impossible amount of chores only to realize it’s only 7:15! Victims of gaslighting are very productive, active people. So when they’re criticized for not doing enough, that’s what is crazy. If they weren’t doing enough, it would likely make sense.
    Now, let me be bold and give a few suggestions for those of who you want to know how to help without it turning into gaslighting:
  • When your child—even your adult child—or partner comes to you in distress, listen. Check your agenda’s, advice, clinical observations, and your insecurities about failing as a parent/partner at the door and truly listen. Don’t pull a Mother Gothel when she sings, “Stop, no more, you’ll just upset me.”
  • Provide and ensure safety—including psychological safety. This means people will not be criticized, humiliated, rejected, dramatically misunderstood, needlessly interrupted, laughed at during their narrative, and boundaries won’t be violated.* 
  • Stop asking people in distress to do more. There’s this old belief that hard work equals success and happiness. True, hard work is a good quality. But, let’s not forget these people are already working hard. Show me a person who’s depressed and lazy. Because in all my years of practice, I’ve yet to see one.
  • And lastly, remember, it’s their life. Not yours. And that every person regardless of their race, ethnicity, gender, sex, religion, sexual orientation, colour, nationality, marital status, ability, age, or status is a human being and has—by that right—inherent worth beyond you, your skills, and your needs.†​
*Scott, B. & Briere, J. (2006). Principles of Trauma Therapy: A Guide to Symptoms, Evaluation, and Treatment (DSM-5 Update). 
†Canadian Psychological Association (2017). Canadian Code of Ethics for Psychologists (Fourth Edition). 
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Kintsugi

1/3/2021

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“I’m broken.”
“Who isn’t? Life breaks us. Then we fill the cracks with something stronger.”
​—Brandon Sanderson, Oathbringer
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending broken pottery with golden lacquer, highlighting imperfections instead of disguising them. It literally means “to join with gold”. It’s an interesting philosophy, especially in the context of mental health. Most of the time, we seek to show a happy face to the world through social media, insist everything is fine when our loved ones express concern, and crack a little further when we hear friends joke about the hidden parts of our soul—confirmation not to dare show our true selves for risk of losing any semblance of normalcy and stability.
    But kintsugi is a different approach. Kintsugi belongs to the philosophy of wabi sabi—that which is broken, simple, and weathered is more beautiful for being so. It is beauty in imperfection. 
    There’s a story about one Sen no Rikyū, considered the first to understand the core of wabi sabi philosophy. The story goes that once, when he was hosted as a dinner guest, the host had laid out an expensive tea jar, hoping it to be noticed by Rikyū. But instead, Rikyū was more intrigued by a tree branch swaying in the wind outside. Afterward, the host smashed the tea jar, upset. Others collected the broken pieces and through kintsugi, mended the jar. When Rikyū next visited, he noticed the jar and said, “Now, it is magnificent.”
    I believe we are beautiful not because we haven’t been “tainted” by trauma. Or that we’re beautiful despite our weaknesses. I believe we are beautiful because of our brokenness.
    Accepting our brokenness is not a death sentence, it’s the key to authenticity. To be loved for who we are, completely. To move freely in new relationships instead of being controlled by the pain and trauma of the past. To find connection in our low moments and worthiness in our highs. 
    To understand that now, because you are broken, you are magnificent. 
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When Beauty is Taken

12/5/2020

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Two blind men waited at the end of an era, contemplating beauty. They sat atop the world’s highest cliff, overlooking the land and seeing nothing. “Can beauty be taken from a man?” the first asked the second. “It was taken from me,” the second replied. “For I cannot remember it.” This man was blinded in a childhood accident. “I pray to the God Beyond each night to restore my sight, so that I may find beauty again.” “Is beauty something one must see, then?” the first asked.
    —Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance
    A story in a story, but an interesting question, nonetheless. The story continues with the two men debating beauty by examining all the different senses and how beauty can be felt by each one. To hear music, to feel a sculpture’s curves and slopes, the taste and smell of a chef’s masterpiece, or the intellect of mind and philosophy.
    “Very well,” said the second, “But what if your ears were removed, your hearing taken away? Your tongue taken out, your mouth forced shut, your sense of smell destroyed? What if your skin were burned so that you could no longer feel? What if all that remained to you was pain?”
    Mental health struggles can feel much like the question proposed in this fictional story. What if all that we felt—in one sense or another—were taken from us, leaving us only with pain? In this supposed situation, has beauty been taken from us? It sure feels that way when battling depression, loss, job burnout, frequent relationship disconnection, and other mental health struggles. It’s the feeling of not feeling, a consuming emptiness that steals away your joy.
    Can beauty—meaning in your life—be found when all you feel is pain?
    The short answer is yes, there is still beauty for you to experience in life no matter what hardships you’ve gone through. The long answer is that beauty is not something that can be given to you. It would seem nice if it could, just like going to the mall and picking up an item we deem valuable. But the beauty I refer to is something that transcends monetary or temporal things. It transcends even our senses of touch, taste, sound, sight, and smell. This is called the small self. 
    A study in 2015 had students look up 200-feet tall eucalyptus trees for one minute. After, students reported feeling less self-centered and behaved more generously when given the chance to help someone. In this small self state we also have higher levels of oxytocin (the bonding hormone). When bonding—or connecting—in the small self, you experience something bigger than yourself. You might feel it when you worship at your church or mosque, when you do something creative, or engaging with someone else’s creativity through music and art. For holocaust survivor Victor Frankl, it came through choosing one’s own attitude, to choose one’s own way evidenced as he saw men in concentration camps comforting others and giving away their last piece of bread.
    For me, it came as I stood outside one winter evening and watched, through the front window, my wife reunite with our three girls after a traumatic surgery and loss of our fourth miscarriage. I could not help but pause for a moment and take in the scene. I remember the snow falling, the feeling of cold air, and the reflections of Christmas lights as I stood there with two car seats in my hand. After an experience that stole my beauty, that left with me pain, I felt in that moment a connection to something greater than myself. The pain didn’t go away, but it did lessen. And overtime, taught me many more beautiful truths.
    Can beauty—meaning in your life—be found when all you feel is pain? I think beauty is more than just when the pain lessens. But when the pain itself is transformed because it has meaning. 
    As Victor Frankl said, “If there is meaning in life at all, then there must be meaning in suffering.”
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Dark Places

11/26/2020

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“To show you the way back from dark places into which you have strayed. To show you the way forward through dark places into which you must go.”
—Terry Brooks, Antrax 
      When mental health struggles arise, it can feel like we are enveloped in darkness. Some people say that life turns a dismal grey. Others manage to feel lonely in a room full of people they love and are loved by. You may begin to doubt yourself, even feel crazy at times. And those places that once brought you solace become gossamer threads of memory where what remains only serves as judgement about what you can never have again: peace, hope, and happiness.
      If you feel you have strayed into dark places, there is still hope. In fact, those dark places hold the very answers you may be looking for. However, answers are cheap when you feel broken and alone, but here are three ways you can find hope again as you venture back from your dark places.


  1. Identify the “glass and rubber balls” in your life. You may have heard the analogy before. Some things in your life are “rubber balls” (e.g., work) that, if dropped, will be able to bounce right back. Glass balls (e.g., mental health) are not the kinds of things that can be neglected. If they are dropped, they shatter. Yet it’s ironic that many of us will continue to maintain work as our highest priority when our homes are conflict-ridden, our sleeps are restless, and our very wills to live are threatened by suicidality and thoughts of death.
  2. Find your “peace palace”. What are some important or meaningful people, places, events, activities, situations, or goals that you have been withdrawing from or procrastinating? Some issues—especially during a pandemic—are going to persist despite any level of skill you have. Kids are going to fight, traffic is going to be backed up, and for some reason he’ll keep on leaving his socks on the floor around the house… But in the face of all these stressors, where can you turn for peace at least once a day? Maybe take a long shower, have an end of day routine, watch a show with your partner, or sit down with that book you’ve been meaning to finish. It doesn’t have to be long or intense. Just something you visit each day.
  3. Listen to your body. Studies indicate that generalized anxiety is the most commonly diagnosed psychiatric disorder in older adults but they are more likely to attribute their anxiety symptoms to physical health problems. The reason for this is because of our mind-body connection. There’s a saying, “If you bury emotions, you bury them alive.” So if your body is suffering from chronic back and neck pain, fibromyalgia, migraines, digestive problems, spastic colon/irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue, asthma, or other physical issues, it may be your body’s way of telling you of an underlying emotional issue.
  
      The journey out of your dark places is not something you can do alone. And as moving around in the dark is bound to have some stumbles, so too will your journey of recovery and healing. Therapy can be a safe place for you to explore your emotions and relationships, your hopes and dreams, and support you as you come back from the dark places into which you have strayed.
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    Lee Atwood

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    Lee Atwood is a psychologist and manages his private practice, Relevare Counselling, in Calgary, AB. He offers in-person and online services for mental health issues such as: sex/porn addiction, couples counselling, job burnout, stress reduction, parenting, religious trauma, men’s issues, and helping people on their journey of recovery and healing.

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